Behind the Badge: What Police Officers Wish their Spouses Knew

This is a guest post by the author of Bulletproof Marriage, Adam Davis.

I’ll never forget the day we walked into the police department for my swearing-in ceremony. It was a big deal to me, even though I was in full uniform, with an empty holster. They gave me a badge, but wouldn’t issue me a gun right away. I reckon that was smart thinking on their part. 

We were still “young,” and by young, I mean naive. I had no idea what to expect as a rookie law enforcement officer, and neither did my wife. There would be challenges ahead, no doubt. But the mountains we were going to climb? Someone should have warned us. Maybe the reason they didn’t inform us is because of how intimidating it can be, knowing what lies ahead. I still would have saddled up and gone in. It was a call. It will always be part of who I am. 

One thing I wish we could have had in our bag before taking the oath to serve was a guide for my wife, what to expect, how to “deal” with me, and how to best love me through it all behind the badge. I have realized over the past four years; I was not the only man who felt this way. I am not foolish enough to believe I speak for all men or all law enforcement officers, but I know today, I am not the only one. So this is for the tribe who knows what I am speaking. 

What Police Officers Wish their Spouses Knew:

I love you, even if my attitude may lead you to believe otherwise:

It’s hard to switch gears at the drop of a hat. And, my attitude may change based on my knowledge of threats or perceived threats nearby. If my awareness level raises, please trust me. Also, my response in the face of a threat (or perceived threat) is not an indicator of any negative feelings towards you; I am just doing what God created me to do; serve and protect. 

Silence is deadly; sometimes:

I want to talk to you about everything. But I also want to protect you from the pain we experience on the job. So, if I am reluctant to share the deepest parts of how I “feel,” please know it is not a sign that I do not trust you or think you are strong enough to handle it, again, I am doing what I was created to do; serve and protect. 

Please don’t believe everything you read or hear via media outlets:

They have a job to do, and that is to generate views, clicks, interest, etc. It’s not always bad or negative, but it isn’t always 100% accurate either. 

Not all are bad, and not all bad corrupt the good:

Just because one officer makes a dumb decision, especially related to his marriage, doesn’t mean I will make a foolish decision about our marriage. Just because I wear a badge doesn’t mean I will make the same decisions as others.

| RELATED POST: DEAR POLICE WIFE: I PROMISE IT’S NOT ALL BAD |

When I open up and become vulnerable with you, please do not bash me: 

When the time comes, and I open up the deepest wounds in my soul with you, please do not criticize me at that moment. I need your love more at that moment than at any other time in our relationship.

Have faith in me:

It may seem like I love my job and those I serve with more than you, but nothing and I do mean nothing could be further from the truth. I may, at times, need you to remind me that the badge is not who I am, and my identity is not in my profession, but I will never love the work I do more than you. You mean more to me than any career, any hobby, anything else in our life. 

Excessive worry is a weapon against us:

I know, a lot of times, when you hear the wailing sirens, or increased radio traffic, or see certain things, you will be prompted or tempted to worry about me. I am glad you love me and care about me, but please, don’t worry about me. Excessive worry isn’t beneficial for either of us. But, if you must, I understand. 

I will fight for you:

Every decision, every call, every shift, I fight to come home to you. You will always be my “why” for fighting. I need you to be my haven, a place of rest, a place where I can let my guard down. I will not hurt you, and I vow to fight for you all the days of my life. 

Again, this is not an exhaustive list of what every officer in our nation is experiencing behind the badge, but these are the most common things officers have shared with me over the years they wish their wives knew. I want to challenge you; communicate how you feel about each other, address any unforgiveness in your marriage, eliminate contempt by creating a home of gratitude, and wash your relationship clean of any resentment. Life is short; make your marriage the best it could be. 

Adam Davis is a law enforcement officer, author of five books, and an overcomer. His story is one that reveals pain many hide, and addresses the topics many avoid. Adam shares his experiences of sexual assault, substance abuse, mental illness, and law enforcement. Adam is known for his work on Behind the Badge: 365 Daily Devotions for Law Enforcement, Bulletproof Marriage: a 90-Day Devotional (with Lt. Col. Dave Grossman) and On Spiritual Combat: 30 Missions for Victorious Warfare (with Lt. Col. Dave Grossman.)

Adam’s work has been featured on Entrepreneur Magazine, Fox News, The Huffington Post, PoliceOne.com, and Law Enforcement Today. As a speaker, Adam has presented for the University of Alabama, Auburn University Department of Economic Development, TEDx Troy University, law enforcement agencies, military bases, and many seminars with Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, Taya Kyle, and other American patriots. His media appearances have included the 700 Club, The Glenn Beck Program, Team Never Quit Podcast with Marcus Luttrell, and many others.

Today, Adam continues to dedicate his life to helping others navigate through the challenges of marriage and overcoming adversity through his writing, speaking, media interviews, and serving as Director of Outreach for the Chris Kyle Frog Foundation. He is supported by his wife of 20 years, Amber, and three children. Download free resources for law enforcement marriages from his website www.TheAdamDavis.com.